Redefining Connection After Loss
Bereavement, the deep sense of loss that follows the death of a loved one, has long been framed in terms of severance and closure. Traditional models of grief once emphasised “letting go” as the key to healing, yet in recent decades, the concept of continuing bonds has transformed our understanding of healthy adjustment. Rather than viewing ongoing connections to the deceased as problematic, this perspective recognises that maintaining a meaningful relationship with those who have died can foster resilience, comfort, and even personal growth after loss.
Origins of the Continuing Bonds Model
The continuing bonds model emerged through the work of Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman, whose influential 1996 book challenged the dominant Western belief that grief must end in detachment. Their research, and the work that followed, revealed that mourners across cultures frequently maintain enduring and adaptive ties to the deceased. These connections may involve conversations, rituals, memories, and the preservation of cherished objects, all of which help integrate the loss into daily life. Rather than impeding recovery, such bonds can provide solace and a sense of continuity.
Forms and Expressions of Continuing Bonds
Continuing bonds appear in a variety of ways, shaped by individual personalities, cultural traditions, and the nature of the relationship. For some, the presence of the deceased is felt through memories, dreams, or imagined conversations. Others uphold traditions, visit gravesites, or share stories that keep the memory alive. Objects like photographs, letters, or heirlooms can serve as powerful reminders, offering comfort and connection. Some may choose to honour their loved one’s legacy through acts of charity or creative projects, transforming grief into positive action. These avenues allow the relationship to continue in an evolving form, woven into the mourner’s ongoing life.
Cultural Perspectives and Emotional Impacts
Enduring connections to the dead are common in many cultures. In Japan, the Obon festival welcomes ancestral spirits; in Mexico, DÃa de los Muertos is a vibrant celebration of remembrance. Indigenous traditions often see the deceased as guides and protectors. Such practices highlight the universality of continuing bonds and challenge the notion that detachment is necessary for healing.
Research suggests that maintaining these connections helps many mourners integrate loss without erasing the importance of the relationship. By reconstructing identity around ongoing attachment, rather than severance, individuals often find meaning and continuity. However, continuing bonds are not inherently positive in every instance; for some, they can become intrusive or impede daily functioning. Effective support involves helping mourners find a balance so that bonds remain comforting rather than obstructive.
Continuing Bonds in Grief Therapy
Acceptance of continuing bonds has reshaped modern bereavement counselling. Therapists encourage mourners to explore ways of maintaining connection—whether through memory projects, letter-writing, or rituals—that feel genuine and healing. Such practices can reduce guilt, alleviate isolation, and foster hope, especially after traumatic or complicated loss. The continuing bonds model offers a flexible, compassionate path through grief, acknowledging that relationships do not end with death, but transform.
Challenges and Considerations
Some mourners may feel pressured to “move on,” or encounter misunderstanding if they wish to maintain connection. The form of ongoing bonds must be adaptive and healthy—if the relationship with the deceased was conflicted or painful, integrating memories may require additional support and boundaries. Not everyone finds comfort in continuing bonds, and support must respect each individual’s history, needs, and cultural context.
How I Can Help
As a bereavement counsellor, I recognise that grief is deeply personal and that each person’s relationship with the deceased is unique. My role is to support you in discovering what feels most healing for you—whether that means maintaining a connection or finding ways to gently let go. We might explore memory work, creative expression, or rituals that honour your loved one. If you wish, we can write letters, create memory boxes, discuss dreams, or establish meaningful anniversaries. If holding on becomes overwhelming or painful, I’ll help you find balance and set boundaries. Together, we’ll find ways to integrate your loss in a manner that respects your values, culture, and emotional needs, fostering resilience and hope as you move forward.
Sally Hunt
Bereavement Counsellor
Lets Talk About It
sally@letstalkaboutit.co.uk
https://letstalkaboutit.co.uk/continuing-bonds/
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